Making out. Sucking face. Tonsil hockey. Lip locking. Swapping spit. Smooching. Call it what you will. I’ve had my share of kisses over the years. Some, I admit, were horrendous, and included things like headgear, onion breath, chapped lips and excessive saliva and drool. Others, however, have been life changing, and have taken my breath away, too. Like kissing under bursting fireworks on the 4th of July in East Hampton. Stolen kisses behind nooks and crannies at a packed New York City rooftop party where it felt like no one else was there. Even scandalous kisses that never should have happened but, honestly, just felt oh so right!
Now, I don’t usually kiss and tell. But it’s time someone does! Plenty of people worry about whether they’re good in bed. Plenty of people worry about whether they’re good at oral sex. But few worry about their skills when it comes to their triple-tongue-swirl maneuvers. What an unfortunate reality! Because kissing is like the entry ticket, required fee, into a potential amusement park full of fun rides, ups and downs, and merry go rounds. If you’re a bad kisser? You won’t even make it beyond the parking lot. So, for kissing’s sake, here’s some advice, a few tips for the lips, if you will:
Brush Up Or Nod Off
First and foremost. Hygiene is of paramount importance. Does your breath smell like tuna fish? (eww, gross.) Did you just smoke a cigarette? Before you even attempt a kiss, make sure your breath is minty fresh. Honestly? A pack of orbitz gum or a tin of Altoids cost a buck or two. Both will fit in your back pocket. Puhhh-lease, make sure to have fresh breath! Oh, and the same applies to chapped lips. High-quality lip balm is just a few dollars at Duane Reade!
Nibble, Don’t Bite
Ok, here’s the deal. A soft bite on the bottom lip can be a serious hot turn-on. Ten in a row? They’ll look like they got punched in the mouth. What should you do? A little lip. A little tongue. A little kissing on the cheekbone. Go for long solid smooches, here. Then, retreat, pull back, smooth our hair away from my face and look into our eyes before going again.
Feel The Rhythm
Imagine how boring rollercoaster’s would be if they only went downhill. There would be no anticipation or excitement. Kisses are the same. Kisses can and should have many different rhythms and speeds – fast and passionate, slow and long, light and tender. Keep kisses in sync and match the other person’s rhythm. If they kiss slowly, don’t proceed to kiss them faster than the driving techno beat in a Lady Gaga song. Start slow and sensually in the beginning, and then buildup the intensity to a fast and passionate tempo.
Don’t Hold Tongues Hostage
Some oral offenders make the mistake of setting up permanent residence in the mouth. Don’t pitch a tent and overstay your welcome. Tongues should be about playful give and take. Tease, then pull back. Venture a little further, then slowly retreat. Don’t suck the tongue right out of our mouth and hold onto it. It’s not yours to keep.
Errors With Erogenous Zones
Newsflash. Licking people’s faces is gross. (I don’t care if your ex in middle school claimed she liked it.) There are plenty of actual erogenous zones to get involved in – the neck and ear are good starting points. Just don’t overdo it. And side note? Wet willies and hickeys are for amateurs (and middle school dances).
Pecks We Won’t Expect
Especially when we’re getting to know you, we like impromptu kisses when we least expect it. Now, this doesn’t mean we want you to start aggressively sucking face, tongues full down our throats, while we’re having drinks at a bar with our friends. Take us to dinner, give us sweet pecks on the lips, and we’ll be begging for more.
Handle Hands With Care
Do not put your (or our) hands in inappropriate places. Yes, guys, you know what I’m talking about. We know you want us to feel your, err, package. Just have a little patience. We love when you hold the back of our heads, our faces in your hands, and our hips. If we like you, it won’t be long until you get the full package.
So, girls and boys, if your date lip locks with you once and doesn’t want to continue, it may well be for a reason. Truth? It usually has nothing to do with your conversational skills or the outfit you wore on the date. Kissing is one of the biggest deal-breakers in early dating. Drop the misguided and misinformed moves or you will be dropped. An added incentive? Good kissing can make other faults more forgivable. I once briefly dated a guy who had no job (hey, we’re in a recession!), but he had soft sensual lips. We dated happily for a while…until I realized he had nothing to say once we stopped kissing. Oh, well. I guess a good kiss isn’t everything!
Now, listen up and pucker up! Here’s the bottom line. Kiss like you mean it. Show us you can have fun. Though a bit cheesy, it’s fun to literally get swept off our feet. Hold us, dip us, kiss us. Completely, over the top, spontaneous kisses show us you can be playful. Few things compare to amazing kisses. Yeah, you know those kisses. Your world changes, head spins, for a sudden and dramatic moment, and nothing exists but that magical, passionate, all-consuming intensely romantic kiss. Everything goes silent, your knees give out, and goosebumps run up and down your spine like a strong electric current. Yeah, those are good. That’s when you know it’s really, really good. Alright then. Stop reading this and get kissing!
So, ladies and gentelmen, here’s what I’d like to know! What other kissing faux-pas have you experienced? Would you continue to hook up with someone if he/she was a bad kisser? Can you, perhaps, teach a bad kisser new tricks? Just this once, it’s OK to kiss and tell…