Older, Wiser And Unemployed

Today, I have reached a significant milestone: My twenty-fifth birthday.  I have been alive for a full quarter-century.  I am officially in my mid-twenties. I am five years away from being thirty.

At twenty-five, most of us are busy fostering and developing our careers. This is especially true in New York City. And New York City is not for everyone. It’s fast-paced and expensive and the street food really stinks. But if you’re a young and single twenty-something like me, there’s no better place on earth. And as a twenty-something that was recently laid off, there’s REALLY no better place on earth. But I’ll get to that a bit later.

Here’s the truth. Everyone in New York is busy and moving all the time. We are constantly on the search for the perfect all-you-can-drink-brunch spot, attempting to meet critical deadlines at work and attending to massive amounts of GTL (gym, tan, laundry). Despite it all, we somehow, inexplicably, try to find the time to date. And every now and then, we come across someone spectacular. But even after successful dates, we’re sometimes too busy to make the next move.

I get it. I’ve been there. I, too, WAS a busy professional myself. Sometimes, I was so wrapped up in work that by the time I got home during the week, I was so dead tired that I didn’t want to call anyone. I wanted to sit on my couch, catch up on the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother (hopefully this one would be THE one where I finally meet Ted’s wife) and order in a spicy crunchy tuna roll with miso soup.

But, here’s the thing. As I mentioned before, I was recently laid off. And the one AMAZING thing I discovered about getting laid off? Getting laid off means you have more time to get laid. (Happy freakin birthday to me! Thanks, HR.) I mean, I might not have health insurance for too much longer. Thus, I should try to avoid any drinking-related injuries until I’m gainfully employed again. (Yes, I had a mishap with a beer bottle recently that ended with a trip to the ER.) I might not be getting a paycheck for much longer once my severance checks run out. And sure, I’m now required to save small water bottles, fill them with cheap vodka, and discretely consume them while out on the town. But, hey! At least I have more time to date!

Think about it.  What better time to focus on finding love than when you’re unemployed? After all, money can’t buy you love AND dating takes a lot of time. And unemployment allows for more time to date, sending flirty texts and obsessing over Facebook pictures.  Yes, there are many ways in which getting laid off improves your dating life. Here are some of the reasons for love in the time of layoff.

Replace The Daily Grind With Just Grinding

Trying out that new recipe for sausage lasagna is really just code for doing it on top of the kitchen table. Discussing ways to keep you busy leads to you actually gettin’ busy. And here’s why. Most busy professionals don’t have time to indulge the sexual impulses pulsing through their brains each day like dust mites.  We may think about humpin’ and bumpin’ but we don’t really have the time. Once you trade in your dry-cleaned, button-down work shirt for a set of plaid pajamas, the dust clears. In a nutshell, unemployed people do it better—or at least they want to do it more. Layoffs send libidos straight up. And you FINALLY have time to do something about it. So go do IT. 

Primp Yourself Out A Bit

Chances are he isn’t going to notice how perfectly your shoes go with your outfit, or how expertly applied your makeup is on your face. Regardless, we (women especially) like to feel fresh and clean for a date. Unemployed? The days of quickly and awkwardly applying makeup in the office bathroom and hoping no one walks in mid eye-liner are over. Gasp!  Take a bath before your date. Heck, light some candles if you want. Rock a sexy, date-worthy outfit and put on your game face. I know some of you men out there get off on that sexy librarian look, but I’d bet any of you would take a blow-out and a bit of cleavage over a theory suit and a bun any day of the week.

Take Advantage Of Your Flexibility

Get your minds out of the gutter! No, I don’t mean in the bedroom. I’m referring to your actual daily routine. Most people fall quickly into daily routines. Day in and day out we go through the same motions, visit the same places, and see the same familiar faces. But when unemployed, we have an opportunity to mix things up a bit. Take different routes when you go places. Stop for coffee at various cafes. Go grab lunch with a friend. When you have a chance to hang out a bit, you will get to know new people. By taking advantage of the opportunity to increase your exposure, you will meet people you would not have met otherwise.

Get To Work On Working Out

You might be unemployed but you can look good doing it! When you don’t have a grueling 9-5 job, there is NO excuse for not exercising. Hit the gym every day! You can finally go to those spinning classes, too. Go join forces with the MILF’s and bankers that work it out during the day. (Those are really the only people at the gym during the day other than the jobless.) I mean, talk about an opportunity to find a part-time babysitting gig or to meet someone! Score yourself a little cash on the side while you try to score! I know, most of us don’t exactly look good after mile 3, but then again, who does? Don’t sweat it.

Get Hooked Up With Different Friends (And Maybe Hook Up, Too)

Learn how the other half live. Not the rich but those that work from home or are in school.  Here’s the deal. When we’re required to be at a desk all day, we meet friends for lunch that work proximate to our office. That’s the extent of our social life during the daylight hours. But, when unemployed, we have a whole new set of friends to hang out with. Take advantage of the chance to spend time with the people that also have flexible schedules. Reconnect with an ex hook from college that works from home. Sure, go meet him on the UWS! After all, you don’t have to rush home, throw on a suit, and underwrite a hotel at 9 AM.

Here’s the thing. I think being in your mid-twenties is something that no one prepares you for. Getting laid off is also something that no one prepares you for. For me, throughout the weeks leading up to my birthday (and my unexpected layoff), I started to analyze every aspect of my life. Why am I single? Where is my career headed? Do people even read my articles? When will I get married? My parents were married by now and had already had TWO kids by the time they were twenty-five! Crap. I can’t believe I’m twenty-five. I can’t believe I’m twenty-five AND single. I can’t believe I’m twenty-five AND unemployed!

Bottom line? I think twenty-five in general is an interesting age.  Most men are still emotionally twenty and focused on drinking and incapable of monogamy. Most women are still catty and manipulative and ready for relationships. A real divide exists between the people that still act like they’re in college and the people that live like they’re in their thirties. We spend our early twenties trying to carefully sort it out and figure out who our REAL friends are, where we want our career to go, and what type of relationship we’re looking for.

We choose between growing up, throwing up, and just hooking up.   Some friends choose monogamy over shots of patron. Others don’t. The truth is that we’re really all in different places. Some are single. Others wish they were. Some are employed. Some would take severance any day. Some are in grad school. Some haven’t done anything since graduation. Yeah, we might all be in different places but that doesn’t matter. We all have to run our own race. We can’t compare ourselves to others. And personally, I’ve made a few decisions. From here forward, I’m going to take stock of my life, take advantage of this opportunity to refocus, and move forward.

It’s time to look ahead. I’m going to apply my valued skills in the workplace (goal-setting, organization, efficiency) towards my personal life and figuring out my next move. And I’m going to throw my arms (not legs) wide open to anything that comes my way. Because that’s what you have to do in order to achieve an orgasmic life. We can focus on the positives or the negatives in each and every situation, but either way, life will happen. At the end of the day, some stuff will work out and other stuff simply won’t. That’s just life, regardless of age. We take things as they come, maintain a positive attitude and try not to worry about the things we can’t control. We learn from our experiences, we go at our own pace, and we make better decisions the second time around. Things don’t always work out. Things don’t always happen according to plan or when we expect them to or when we would like them to. We just have to try our best, keep going up to bat, and know that we’ll have good times and bad times. And when those bad times arrive, our expectations aren’t met, and shit hits the fan, which inevitably some of it will, I hope I’ll just be able to shrug my shoulders, look myself in the mirror and say “well, there’s always twenty-six.”

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Published:
March 19, 2010 – 8:28 am
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By A
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So In(ternet) Love

I am currently involved with two guys. Both relationships started in the middle of January. Both are going really well. And though I actually do know these guys in real life, both relationships are web-based.

(1) AC

I met AC at the start of the summer of 2008. We dated, had a great time together, and just a month into it he came over and ended things. I defriended him on Facebook and life went on. In January of this year, I wondered what he was up to and figured more than enough time has passed for us to be Facebook friends who never actually talk. I sent him a friend request; he accepted. Then, the unexpected: he sent me a message asking how I’ve been.

I thought that was a very nice and unnecessary gesture, so I responded with my old wit and charm that for some reason I only have on the intertubes and never in real life conversation. Then he wrote back. Then I wrote back. At any time he could have stopped writing. And sometimes days would go by but then, sure enough, my Facebook for BlackBerry app would blink with a message from AC.

Sometimes the messages are long. Sometimes they are short. Many are funny. Some are somber. We are now all caught up on work and on life. And the messages keep coming. He hasn’t made any mention of a real life meeting — and why should he, he already decided he doesn’t see a future with us — but I really can’t understand the point of this. Why the Facebook messages? What are we doing? Will we just Facebook message . . . forever??!

(2) Ryan

Ryan and I knew each other since we were pretty young, around 12 or 13. We went to the same Jewish camp. We weren’t friends but we were friends with the same people and our paths often crossed. Add to that the fact that we went to the same high school. It wasn’t until two years ago at the birthday of a mutual friend that we really talked for the first time, and afterwards we established an email friendship. It was a really nice way to get to know each other, two people in similar circles who never really connected previously. As it turned out we appreciated the same web comics and dinosaurs. We constantly emailed each other links to funny things from the internet. Inevitably, he asked me to hang out and I said yes. But then that day came and neither of us mentioned it. I didn’t mention it because I freaked out a little; perhaps he did as well? Or just forgot? I was relieved. And then we stopped emailing.

Weird, right. After a lot of time passed, maybe a year, he sent me something funny from the interweb that he thought I’d appreciate. I think I was busy, or couldn’t be bothered (I was dating my ex, who I was with for over a year) and I ignored it for the time being, until I ended up deleting it. Maybe 6 months later, another email. Again, I paid no attention to it. I think I just didn’t care either way? I don’t know. I really just forgot about how much fun our email relationship was. And to be honest, I kind of forgot Ryan even existed.

In January, we found ourselves in the same place once again, and after that our email romance heated right up, even better since lots of new funny websites have emerged over the last 2 years. We appreciate each other’s humor. I find him sexy in a “he’s not actually my type at all but hmmm” kind of way, and I’ve even dracebooked (drunk facebooked) him. I’d be willing to attempt a real life meetup this time around, but over a month in and . . . nothing. Nothing. Just the hilarious gems of the internet and the clever commentary that follows.

Again, I have to say: Why? What is the point of this? Why would these guys continue writing to me if they have no interest in seeing me in real life? My heart smiles and jumps a beat each time I see a message from either guy. And I am beginning to think I am being ridiculous.

I’d love some peace of mind here. Anyone care to offer an opinion? Have any of you ever been in a web-based romance?

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Published:
March 15, 2010 – 8:00 am
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By d
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Tall, Dark, Handsome… and Uptown?

He was tall, dark and handsome. Not to mention Jewish. I was really rather fond of this guy.Truth be told, I kind of liked him.  But then he mentioned that he lives on the Upper East Side. Immediately, the flags shot up – red, purple, blue, orange. The only time I go to the Upper East Side is to visit my family on the Jewish holidays. And, sure. The Upper East Side isn’t a deal breaker, but it’s certainly not geographically desirable given I live in Tribeca.

Here’s the thing. This thing called love is as common downtown as it is uptown. Yeah, it’s pretty much the same old annoying disturbance  and tenuous affair everywhere. We openly worry and focus on height, religion, and intelligence. But an important aspect of dating we also focus on is the distance that can exist between two people. I’m not talking about the emotional, psychological or cultural distance. I’m talking about the actual geographic distance. The city blocks that may separate two lovers.

Should a potential mates proximity to your subway stop matter? Should you only date someone that uses the same equinox gym?

This issue of location is integral and imperative to any relationship meant to evolve beyond email, text messaging and gchat. And especially in New York City, where people are busy juggling careers and dating, people inevitably are deemed either geographically desirable or undesirable depending on their cross streets.

Yes.  I would prefer to date someone within walking distance. Or under a $5 cab ride. Absolutely. That’s a given. Trust me. If iPhone would just create an app to inform me which men at the bar live in my neighborhood with a quick point and click, I’d be more than willing to jump the blackberry ship and become a full-fledged addicted Mac user. But since that hasn’t happened, I sometimes do meet geographically undesirable men. And I do, truth be told, get a little less excited. Ha! Is that wrong? Admit it, you know what I mean.

Maybe there are some positives to a bit of geographic distance. Afterall, the thought of dating someone who lives in the same building or neighborhood should be daunting. Because if the relationship ends badly, that will be the end of privacy. And we all know there is no town smaller, or more gossip-ridden, than a New York City high-rise.  Then again, dating someone nearby just makes life easier. Being able to run home after a sleepover and change before work is awesome. Sure, with the right person, we’d settle on packing an overnight bag. Regardless, most would prefer not to have to. And many New Yorkers, whether they’ll admit it or not, give guys more of a chance when they live nearby, in close proximity, or a quick cab ride away.

Bottom line? We never know how, where, or when we will meet “the one”. You might meet him while vacationing in London. Then again, you could meet him when you’re smack in the middle of a busy time at work. And you could meet the right guy while partying for St. Patty’s Day in Hoboken (this weekend for those of you interested). And I certainly wouldn’t pass up someone fantastic because he lives on a different subway line.

I’ll admit it. It was easier to date someone that lived across the street from me than across town. (Yes, I’ve done both.) But at the end of the day, geography is just one ingredient in this stew we call dating. And with the right person. Heck, I don’t know. I guess maybe the Upper East Side wouldn’t be so bad. And hey, at least it’s almost passover!

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Published:
March 12, 2010 – 11:46 am
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By A
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Popping the OTHER Question

We’ve all seen that infamous MTA slogan, which jaded New Yorkers love to mock: If you See Something, Say Something. You may have spotted a suspicious looking package, no pun intended, on the subway but did you actually report it? Exactly. The same can be said for our bedroom etiquette.

Pop quiz: Digging for your bra amidst his crumpled sheets the morning after you find a fruity gum wrapper. You have an inkling he doesn’t chew watermelon Orbit, but then again, you two are still in the casual/I-don’t-know-what’s-going-on stage… Do you say something?

For the past two years I’ve had this male… question mark (translation: we once dated; now, on-and-off good company/great sex), 15 years my senior, who brought up an interesting idea the other day: sketchiness. No, the word itself is not semantically interesting – come on, NY begs and breeds sketchiness – but it unleashed a proliferation of other issues. He claimed that he aspires to act more “sketchy” for once in his life, which is amusing if not irritatingly juvenile, because I like him for being distinctly the opposite. We communicate without strategically calculated delays; I can call at 2 am if there is a mouse in my studio (ok so he wont leave his bat cave, but at least I can go there without the “booty call” stigma); he DVRs Charlie Rose, for god sake; he’s even, gasp, Jewish. This is in comparison, mind you, to the blatantly sketchy men I have been known to cave for: they text at 3 am or disappear for days; they are in indie-rock bands; they convince you that sober, and safe, sex doesn’t exist; they live and/or bartend in Williamsburg.

During a recent morning-after Mr. Approaching 40 asked me advice on “how to be sketchy”. Waxing BS, I said it related to the delicate balance between absence and presence; the George Costanza cognitive restructuring of doing the opposite of what one should do. I spotted the Loro Piana label on his shirt and free-associated what I thought to be an oh-so-clever-yet-coded story of a sketchy anecdote from my past (note: behavior is different than persona, which we will get to). I told him how I once found a socialite’s Blackberry at a party I had crashed; determined that someone named “Sebastiano” sent her the sexiest (read: Italian) texts and proceeded to call him in order to “report the missing phone”. I ended up meeting Sebastiano for a “date” – who, it turned out, was a sketchy Loro Piana cashmere importer – and, dot dot dot, scored an awesome pair of Loro Piana sailor shorts out of the whole ordeal (don’t even ask). But I was 22 (er, two years ago) and everybody knows that what you do during that sea-legless year post-college does not count.

But then, I had a revelation: this sketchy story – and my many more where that came from – was mere child’s play! I am playing the fool! Mr. Approaching 40, my more-than-F-buddy-less-than-beau, took sketchiness to a whole other dimension. After two years of being in each other’s lives/beds, I have no clue who he is also boning, dating, seeing, seducing; I know nothing of his baggage or “business” dinners; I don’t even really know who his friends are. Granted he doesn’t really know most of this about me, but hey, I’m an actress: at least I allude, (immaturely) provoke, sprinkle in the occasional mixed message. He, on the other hand, is a zipper-lipped man of mystery, because he has skillfully mastered the art of discretion and the power of verbal restraint. (Mis)Read: SKETCHY.

In this city of passing strangers and incestuous social circles, where living on a different subway line or across an artificial park can divide a universe, there is a nagging suspicion at the root of most relationships – When is it okay to pop The Other Question: who else are you sleeping with?

I know most of my NY friends would immediately say: not until its time to broach the subject of exclusivity. But I think we need to remove this hard and fast “rule” (just like the “rule” that you should sleep with a guy on the 3rd date—who came up with that one?!). This question doesn’t have to put the anxiety-inducing stamp of “Serious” on your relationship; it doesn’t even have to shift a single thing about it. Because as we all know, there are countless types of “its complicated”– beyond boyfriend/girlfriend, Bye Bye Birdie style pinning—that are label-less and unconventional. So why should we wait for the exclusivity talk to dictate basic information sharing? (But PS girls, re: timing, do wait til you are dressed in something other than a single Hanky Panky thong.)

But before you go demanding answers, first you need to be honest with yourself about your motivation: are you asking out of curiosity, or out of jealousy? Are you asking because you genuinely want to know more about the person you are intimate with, or because you secretly crave a commitment? How will his answer affect or inform your feelings (or lack thereof) for him? It doesn’t really matter what your personal responses are to these questions, as long as you are prepared to hear his—assuming they are honest—and share your own.

Even if you are the “cool girl” who doesn’t really care but kind-of-sort-of does—and, to be fair, you are a juggling a handful of other men too—think of it as helping you to seek clarity within a nebulous situation, or perhaps steer clear of false hope. It can act as a barometer, to gauge whether it is just sex, or something deeper worth exploring. Or maybe a signal to move on. And after all, in this town of perpetual distraction, who doesn’t desire a little peace of mind? Even if it is just in the bedroom.

So: If you Sense Something, Say Something. Knowledge is a critical source of empowerment; it can open up the floodgates of communication (and by that, I don’t mean BBM). If you want to know, don’t be afraid to ask. Its what you do with that information that can either set off a ticking bomb, or unexpectedly deactivate it. For we all know the main reason why a girl would remove her gum in bed…and I’m not talking about going to sleep. Sketchy, indeed.

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Published:
March 11, 2010 – 8:00 am
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By Lila F
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First Date Faux Pas

There is a lot of potential for failure on a first date. The restaurant you’ve chosen could be closed, your romantic stroll in the park could be rained off or you might just not have any chemistry. However tragically unforeseen these scenarios sound it doesn’t excuse how many men unknowingly sabotage their first dates by committing what women, and men, consider to be first date faux pas. It’s time to wisen up and learn from the mistakes of others…

Going to the movies is the worst first date ever…

A first date is about getting to know someone, figuring out if there’s spark and deciding if you want to go on a second date. While I love a good romantic comedy as much as the next guy — I can even quote most of Pretty Woman — a trip to the cinema is akin to taking your date to the library, except you need to be quieter and people get especially angry if you talk.

If you absolutely must watch a film, save it for the second date and do it in an environment where it can be on in the background, for example at a summer screening in Central Park or at home.

Not being decisive about the venue

I get it. You work seventeen hour days, you have to entertain clients and you spend your life eating in fancy restaurants, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that you need to be the one to choose the venue. Asking her to “pick a place she wants to go” doesn’t send the right message; it’s more “I don’t really care enough to choose” than “I’m genuinely interested in you and want you to like me.”

My suggestion is to have a few places you love, where you have good rapport with the staff, where you feel comfortable and can be the best version of yourself. If you haven’t found that place yet then it’s time to start exploring.

Splashing the cash

You meet the girl of your dreams and you think the only way she’ll ever go out with you is if you splash the cash and whisk her off her feet. You organize a limo, front row ballet seats, dinner at Per Se and drinks after somewhere with table service and magnums of champagne.

At the end of the night you might get the desired result, but is she dating you for you or for your cash? Have you set unrealistic expectations? How long can you afford to keep this up? If your answer to the last question is “forever,” keep doing what you’re doing, but for us mere mortals this is a surefire way to trap yourself.

Manners maketh man

Having good manners is not difficult. Open cab doors, use your knife and fork, hold your spoon correctly, keep your elbows off the table, don’t click your fingers at the waiter, don’t lick your knife or your plate clean… it’s not rocket science! Everyone appreciates good manners, it’s a way to show others that you respect them.

When your first date comes to a close it’s the little details that the other person will remember most. Holding the door, helping a random old lady across the street (true story), waiting for her to start eating before picking up your knife and fork, offering the bread before you take your piece… If you’ve been called a mannerless oaf you only have yourself to blame.

Stay on topic

It’s important to stay on topic, which is to say, don’t go off-topic. This includes the following prohibited list:

1. Religion
2. Politics
3. Ex-girlfriends/boyfriends
4. Sex
5. Medical conditions

The first two should be pretty obvious, after all it’s a date not a debate, but all too often people make the big mistake of talking about their ex’s on a first date, especially those who have just come out of a relationship and have it fresh on their mind. Even if you’re over your ex just talking about them sends the message that you’re not.

Talking about sex is fun and flirty. However talking about it on a first date can send the message that you’re only after one thing. Maybe keep the locker room banter locked up where it belongs.

A first date is your chance to make a first impression, which means being positive and outgoing. No one likes a complainer so keep the topic away from your recent hemorrhoidal flare up.

Stay focused

What? Sorry… I wasn’t listening. What was I doing? Oh… urm… I definitely wasn’t staring at the hot waitress.

There are two things wrong with the previous sentence. Firstly, it’s pardon, not what (see previous section about manners if you don’t understand this), and secondly you need to keep your eye on the ball. And by ball I mean your date, not the basketball game on in the background, because if there’s one thing that’ll send your date running for the hills it’s a wandering eye…

I’d also suggest keeping your phone on silent and out of sight for obvious reasons.

Stay sober-ish

Having a drink or two on your first date is a great way to loosen up and get conversation flowing, but getting sloppy makes you look like an alcoholic. Now admittedly getting someone drunk, taking them home and making some bad decisions is something we’ve all done, but the next day when you wake up hung over mentally high five-ing yourself she’s thinking “what did I do last night?” As pointed out earlier the ultimate conclusion for a first date is to work out if you want to go on a second date. How are you supposed make an educated guess if you can’t remember what happened the night before?

Is that all I have to do?

Of course not… avoiding the faux pas mentioned on this list isn’t any kind of guarantee your first date will go well, but hopefully you’ll give your first impression a second thought.


What are your first date faux pas? Have you had an awful first date? Tell us about it!

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Published:
March 10, 2010 – 7:30 am
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By j
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All In My Head

When I walk from work to the subway, I’m talking to him about the important things I accomplished throughout the day. While I train for the NYC Half Marathon, he’s running right alongside me as I charm him with my insightful nature and wit. And yesterday before work, I taught him how to make coffee with a French Press.

Right now, “he” is someone I will refer to as the Hamburglar (see: Good Good Good Good Vibrations). But really, “he” is whoever my crush is at the time. Our conversations? All in my head. In fact, the reason I haven’t been able to move on from the Hamburglar yet is because of these amazing (fake) conversations we have all the time.

“My grandmother lives in that building,” I told the Hamburglar last night on our 5 mile run around the Upper East Side. “Your grandmother?” he replied. “You never told me your grandma lives 2 blocks from you.” And so this is how it came to be that I explained my family situation to him. He was really touched that I opened up to him about something so personal.

Except that it never happened.

I actually ended the 3 year on and off thing between the Hamburglar and me last week, but apparently I didn’t break up with him in my head yet as evidenced by earlier today when I got back to my desk after my job interview and faux told him all about how the hiring manager reminds me of my old boss who I loved.

The thing is, just because the Hamburglar currently consumes my thoughts – and has for the better part of 3 years – doesn’t mean he can’t be easily replaced. In fact, I know that once I meet a new crush I will have a brand new imaginary person around. And it is this new person with whom I will discuss the evils of factory farming, in my mind

But is that healthy? Jumping from one conversation with someone who isn’t there to the next? I remember realizing back in high school that I always needed to have a crush at all times. And so I engaged in tons of fictional dialogue with lots of boys, from my good friend Dave in high school (had no one else, so why not choose my friend) to Joe on my floor in college (loved seeing other girls go into his room) to Michael not long after college. Without a crush, who would I pretend to talk to?

I’ve never discussed this with anyone before. I don’t know if my thoughts are normal, or if other people do this too. I don’t know if pretending to talk to someone all the time, during both the exciting and mundane parts of my day is common or unusual. What I do know is that I need a break. I feel like that Dave Matthews song where he sang “My head won’t leave my head alone.” I need my head to leave my head the f*ck alone. And maybe then I can meet a guy who I can, in real life with him actually beside me, teach how to make coffee with a French Press.

So, am I crazy or normal? Do you have fake conversations with people you like in your head?

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Published:
March 8, 2010 – 8:30 am
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By d
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Times Square

Times Square by David Ford

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Published:
March 6, 2010 – 6:45 pm
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By David Ford
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Breaking Down The Break Up: How To End It With Someone You’re Not (Really) Dating

When I like you it’s pretty freakin obvious. I call you. I email you. I bbm you. I talk to you all day at work on gchat (don’t tell my boss). I send you funny emails that I think you might like. I let you know what I’m up to. I want to know what you’re up to. I’m very affectionate. I care about you, your feelings and what gets you going. I bring you matzo ball soup when you’re sick. I pick up all your favorites at Whole Foods and make you dinner. I plan a surprise party with your favorite cake for your birthday. I’m all up in you.

If I don’t like you anymore? Things change, but how do I let you know? What sort of break up is required? Now I’m not referring to long term serious we have pictures framed next to our beds of each other and went with the family to Vail over X-mas relationships. Goodness no. I won’t tackle that subject. I’m talking about the in between ones.

Attention all hopeless social serial daters that aren’t (really) in relationships, but arrangements or “situations” let’s call them – scenarios, not the guido from the TV series Jersey Shore. When is it necessary to actually, you know, break up, versus hit ignore on your blackberry? Do you really need to break up with someone who isn’t your boyfriend or girlfriend when you’re no longer interested? Here goes a quick lesson on breakup etiquette. Let’s be honest, this is the stuff you might really have to know someday!

Scenario 1: The One Night Stand That Keeps Giving

The One Night Stand That Keeps Giving is essentially a f*ck buddy. Here’s how it typically goes down (Pun intended). You meet up at your apartment, all clothes come off, and you pray your condoms haven’t expired. Afterwards you pretend to be asleep, hoping they’ll leave quickly for the time-honored tradition of the stride of pride. You don’t remember their hometown or how exactly they earn a living, but you do recall that they can do it in a handstand position. You call each other when either person is horny, lonely and/or bored.

Is it time to call it quits? You can get rid of them faster than you can keep adding drinks to your tab. Since there is no real level of commitment, this breakup does not require much. Stop tipsy texting them (drunk dialing’s lil’ sis) and stop responding to their requests to meet up for late night slices at Artichoke Pizza. That should do the trick.

Scenario 2: The Textationship

The Textationship is based on BBM or SMS. You avoid online or call-based interaction. You exchange insanely witty, sexual remarks every few days (via text, bbm or email), meet up randomly on the weekends at 3 am and chow down on pastrami on rye at Katz’s Deli (OK, maybe that’s just me).

Had enough deli meat? Slowly withdrawl and retreat. Don’t just completely and immediately ignore them hoping they will notice and go away. Stop contacting them as frequently, claim to be really busy (work is always a legit excuse) and they will eventually get it.

Scenario 3: Someone I’m Seeing

The Someone I’m Seeing relationship is just that. Friends ask about him/her and that’s how you respond. You talk during the day but you don’t wake up and bbm them good morning or say goodnight before you go to bed. You don’t have things at each other’s apartments but it’s acceptable to pack an overnight bag if you know you’re spending the night at his place. This is a cool and comfortable but uncertain stage. You haven’t had the “where is this going” conversation but you’re both treading water until or if your arms get tired.

Arms tired? You should have “the conversation”. Truth is, you’re probably both getting some somewhere else, so it won’t be such a devastating blow. Keep the conversation short and sweet. Give it to them straight up. You need to be clear and honest and not creep around the issue.

Scenario 4: The Not Exactly Casual Anymore

The Not Exactly Casual Anymore relationship is the sh*t or get off the pot scenario. You have spent months claiming and explaining that you’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. Yet, despite these claims and your claiming you’re not really into PDA, you two can be found many weekend nights having a full-on-hands-up-the-shirt-makeout-sesh at Greenhouse while some film student records you for his new Youtube sensation! This stage has the makings of a serious relationship.

If you’ve decided you want out and want to return to full on single status, you need to have a conversation. No, they’re not fun. But it’s the right thing to do here. Even though you’re not official or necessarily exclusive, the window of being able to press the ignore button has closed. Be mature, have the conversation and move on. Offer some closure and peace of mind.

Here’s the freezing, cold, hard truth. Breaking up is hard to do. Even if the relationship wasn’t serious, one of you is bound to end up upset. While there isn’t really a single “right” way to end it and move on, there are general etiquette rules to follow. It’s almost always appreciated if you actually let them know, no BS, that you’re no longer interested. Why? Because bottom line? Even if the relationship meant little to you, remember that they might feel completely different about it. You respected them enough to date them (or to sleep with them at the very least). Respect them enough to man up and end it with dignity. Even when it wasn’t a serious relationship, you should still be considerate. Plus, many people (women especially) cling onto hope when you don’t give them a clear answer. Some people really need a direct decision.

Some people just don’t understand the difference between a red light and green light. They need those bright and flashing signs so it’s undeniable: this kid is over it. They’ve got the ick. The fat lady has sung. This ship has sailed. Done. Dunzo. See ya never. Boom boom pow! Yeah, the world of flirting/dating/hooking up in dark corners is already confusing enough, but I hope this at least helps provide a bit of clarity. And the next time you need to end a casual dating relationship, hopefully you’ll do it right and throw some breakup etiquette into the mix!

Alright, so I know most, if not all, of you have been in a similar situation. How did you handle the “break-up” situation? When do you think it’s necessary to actually have a conversation? Do you think it depends more on how long you were dating or the frequency with which you saw each other?

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Published:
March 5, 2010 – 8:34 am
Author:
By A
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4 Comments

Good Good Good Good Vibrations

The other day, I ended a 3 year on and off hookup thing with a guy. I’ll call him the Hamburglar.  I’ve been pretty much obsessed with the Hamburglar for the entire 3 years I’ve known him. He is adorable; he is brilliant; he is a (Jewish) doctor; he is hilarious. But most of all, I am just so insanely attracted to him it is really just beyond words. I need him. I crave him. I love him. And he smells so, so good. So good. Swoon.

I realize that what I have referred to as my “love” for the Hamburglar is more likely my unadulterated attraction to him. But when you are this attracted to someone, it is really hard to tell the difference. And when I finally ended it with him, it wasn’t so much his company that I knew I would miss as it was being able to have sex with him.

*The reason I ended it, I need to add, is because I wanted more from him. Even if it was just intense attraction, in my mind it was like love and it was unhealthy for me since he has no interest in dating me.

The day after ending it (and having sex with him twice) I was at work talking on instant messenger with my girlfriend Shauna. I was having doubts about ending it with the Hamburglar. Shauna had made me erase his number from my phone, and I became apprehensive.

“OK… but, what if one night I really, really just need to have sex with him? Shouldn’t I keep his number in case? I have no one else I am this attracted to.”

Shauna’s response? “Dildo.”

I dismissed her suggestion, citing the fact that it is just NOT the same. Shauna didn’t argue that point, but she also didn’t agree. Instead, she just offered to rub her dildos down with rubbing alcohol for my use.

I began to wonder if I am the only girl who does not care about vibrators.

My issues with the vibrator are threefold:

  1. I’m lazy. The thought of getting up out of bed, walking to a drawer, opening it and finding a vibrator is just too much to bear. And then after all that effort, I’d have to go through the work of actually using one? I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it. Too much effort; too much work. Not worth it.
  2. Dishes. Are you f*cking kidding me? After I use the vibrator, I then have to go to the sink and wash it. Do you all realize what the vibrator becomes? DISHES! I stopped eating dinner because I can’t be bothered to do the dishes that are toppling over my sink, do you really think I’d suddenly do dishes for a minor orgasm? Which brings me to point 3 . . .
  3. IT IS NOT THE SAME. Using a vibrator feels nothing like sex! Nothing at all! I don’t actually see how the two can even be compared. As I mentioned in point number 2, using a vibrator might result in a minor orgasm at best. And with my related issues of laziness and dishes, using one feels like a big chore. So why bother?

I don’t know; maybe it’s just me. I actually own two vibrators. One is a big red dildo with a special clit stimulating addition. The other is a more typical vibrator, white, about 6 inches, shaped like a fat plastic pencil, in a box labeled “personal massage.”

They’re both pointless. If my apartment had a fire and everything was destroyed, I wouldn’t bother replacing them. I didn’t purchase either for myself. A friend bought me the dildo when the news came out in 2005 that I didn’t own one, and the personal massager was a party favor at the strangest New Years Ever party I’ve ever been to, in 2007.

Now that I’ve publicly dismissed vibrators, and I also ended things with the Hamburglar, and I now realize that my lack of interest in sex in 2009 was not because something was wrong with me as I had thought but rather because my ex boyfriend stripped me of any feeling whatsoever, I want to have sex! With a living person. Who I am attracted to and actually want to have sex with. Not with a piece of plastic and/or rubber.

So I leave you with this question, because I am truly curious if my dislike of vibrators is my own personal issue or one other girls share.

Ladies, what are your thoughts on vibrators? Do you love them? Can’t be bothered like me? A mix?

7 Comments
Published:
March 2, 2010 – 8:56 am
Author:
By d
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7 Comments

The Perfect Match: But Where’s The Spark?

We’ve all dated our share of jerks. But what about when you meet someone seemingly perfect? He’s not just your average amount of smart; he’s in a league with MC squared himself. He’s not just sort of good looking. In fact, every time you introduce him to someone or flash his Facebook profile picture, an aggressive high-five usually follows. He does everything right. Heck, he even got a BlackBerry because you told him you preferred bbming to texting. He’ll give you the remote when the game is on and watch Gossip Girl marathons with you in bed. For reasons you can’t fathom, he truly loves doing the dishes, waits while you shop and replaces the toilet paper roll when it’s empty. Oh, and he’s crazy about you. Like, Tila Tequila crazy.

You should be ecstatic, singing the hava-nagila, popping champagne bottles left and right. Here’s prince charming marching up on his white horse with your favorite flowers and Baked by Melissa cupcakes! But you’re not. Because as perfect as he is, he just doesn’t do it for you. He doesn’t make your heart skip a beat every time he bbm’s you. He doesn’t inspire you to sneak out of work for a quick afternoon kiss. He doesn’t make you want to rip your clothes off. And you don’t know why, but you’re just not that pumped about him. The butterflies just aren’t fluttering.

Why is it that sometimes, even when you find the “perfect” guy, you just don’t like him like that?

You think there must be something wrong with you because how else can you explain why you would pass up on something so great. Maybe you’re just messed up from past relationships? Maybe it’s just bad timing? Could you have made it work, somehow, in some way? Many questions run through your confused mind.

Here’s the thing. You have run into a perfect man, just not YOUR perfect man. So don’t assume you have some earth-shattering flaw just because you don’t like him. You can’t control your reaction to people. You can’t force things to feel in sync simply because he’s charming, successful, cute, and … likes you. Sometimes it’s just not there. You can’t force Mr. Right to be a good fit for you simply because he has all the “right” wrappings and fixings. You also can’t try to convince yourself that Mr. Wrong can be transformed, put in a pretty package with a bow, and turned into someone who is a good fit for you.

There really is no need to over think this. Attraction is mysterious, and, like we all learned in science class, there’s always a chemical component. If you’ve spent some time with him over a month and feel nothing, he’s not for you. And if you’re not interested, leave him alone. Stop wasting his time. I’ve gone out with many perfectly awesome guys. Some of them, for reasons I can’t comprehend, just didn’t make me want to jump their bones. My brain was telling me I should want to get jiggy with him, because hello, he’s perfect, but I just didn’t want to. At the end of the day, you CAN fake some stuff (ladies, you know what I mean) but you really can’t and shouldn’t force it.

I guess in the end, despite all the dating articles we read, the love advice our parents try to force upon us, and the “but I know this one girl” stories we’re told, we’ll know it when it happens. And it really is a matter of when, and not if. Because you’ll just know when it happens. Love, at its very best, should tear through your world like a hurricane, shifting and reorganizing things you long-thought were impossible to move or shake. You’ll get that uncontrollable, swept-up, carried-away, falling-too-fast, don’t-want-it-to-end feeling. The sky will turn that perfect shade of blue, the grass will look greener and the sun will shine brighter. You’ll want to touch him, kiss him, think about him and you won’t be able to stop yourself from jumping his bones!

And if you don’t have all that, then who cares if he’s what you always thought of as your perfect guy. Sometimes the thing you didn’t expect is the one thing you really wanted after all. And when you find the guy for you, he’ll be perfect in his own ways, other ways. You won’t care if you met him online and it won’t bother you that his feet smell like crap every now and then. You might not mind that his idea of fine cuisine includes a bucket and a deep fryer. That stuff will become unimportant and meaningless.

When you find someone you really care about, it’s important to let go of the little things because love, chemistry add passion are difficult to find and dont come around too often. The best we can do is to never stop searching, open ourselves up to the unexpected, and stand behind the decisions that we make. Because whoever he is, whenever you find him, you should just be so freakin happy that you found him.

What’s your take on it? Have you ever met the “perfect” guy or girl but you just weren’t interested? Did you keep dating them in hope that things would change? Did they? I want to hear from you! Share your stories!

11 Comments
Published:
February 28, 2010 – 10:17 am
Author:
By A
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11 Comments