nycandlove blog

I’m not exactly sure how many dedicated hours I’ve devoted to playing the ultimate puzzle game Tetris. Whether it was on the original Nintendo version or one of the original Game Boys, it was a significant and memorable amount of time. And if you’re anything like me, you probably played enough to start seeing the different pieces falling in your head when you closed your eyes and tried to fall asleep at night. Yeah, dating, when you really think about it, is really no different.

Dating, often, can feel like a game of Tetris. It’s just like you remember it, only slightly different. It’s a puzzle, with various elements and random sequences of events. And we constantly try to solve it. We search, tirelessly, for the missing piece to fill our oddly shaped holes. We don’t exactly know who will fill the gaps.  We don’t even know what will make us feel complete. And we certainly don’t know what’s coming next. But we continue to reset. We keep starting over. And sometimes, unexpectedly, we get what we need and it knocks out everything all at once. And when we close our eyes at night, we see all the pieces start to fit together. And when that happens, it almost always takes us by surprise. It clears everything we once knew. It completes the row. And it ultimately, completes us.

Other times, the game plays out differently. Things just don’t seem to fit. But just because it’s not a good fit, doesn’t mean it’s not a good fit for someone else. And sometimes, we actually know someone fitting. But we don’t always know what our next move should be.

Have you ever gone on a date, realized he wasn’t for you, but might be great for your friend? How do you handle this situation? What should you do?

Here’s the deal. If there’s a former guy you once shared a sushi combo roll with and he might be great for your sashimi-loving friend… set them up.  If you have an inkling of suspicion that they could be a match made in sloppy seconds heaven…. you should act. Heck, this isn’t exactly a rule. It’s just a very real and strong suggestion. Because when it comes to dating, rules tend to go out the window. Love is a battlefield (thanks, Pat Benatar). It’s a torrid tornado of tears and laughter. A stampede of cart-wheeling, hand-standing, somersaulting unpredictable movements. You can’t control, tame, or confine it. You can’t prepare, predict or streamline it. You never know what will be the piece to complete the row.  So you wipe your sweaty palms on your pants and you make your move. Yeah, here’s how you do it.

You Must Reset

You need to reset his expectations. Before you even attempt to set this former-fling up, you need to make sure the guy isn’t seriously into you. Maybe wait a few weeks after your last date with him, and start up a friendship of sorts. Tell him you think he’s great but obviously not great for you. Only after you clarify your intentions can you then suggest that he might really like your friend. And even then, you need to feel it out and make sure he’s interested in meeting someone else.

Offer Different Combos

You can invite them both out to a group activity and see if there are any sparks. If so, make a comment about how cool it is that they have so much in common and bow out. You can offer him her number and suggest he take her out on his own. Give them both choices. But either way, the choice should be theirs.  Caution. Don’t push it. If one or both parties aren’t interesting, leave it be.

Play It Smart

You must act super chill. Think bunny rabbit on Xanex. Don’t launch a nation-wide campaign with the tagline “I have the perfect person for you.” Because that won’t be a selling point. Scale back your approach and say you have someone your friend might find interesting. Take it slow and remain cool and collected. If they are “perfect” for each other, they will hit it off whether you tell them you think they are perfect for each other or not.

Don’t Share Your Moves

Sure, you’ve been out with him before. And you might know the “diarrhea on the roller-coaster story.” But keep it to yourself. Don’t succumb to the disease otherwise known as diarrhea of the mouth. Unless, that is, you want to embarrass the heck out of him…which I suppose has an entertainment value all its own. Basically, let them find things out on their own.

Be A Good Sport

When you set up two people on a date, you kind of feel like Patty Stanger (the brutally honest Jewish honcho from Millionaire Matchmaker). Except that there’s no private jets or payments in full. Regardless, you feel like you are creating something. And you have visions of being showered with thanks at their wedding. But avoid getting too excited. Mind your own business and know that it might not work out. Do your part then bow out gracefully.

Here’s the thing. We’ve all been set up on disastrous dates. So there’s a real chance that your friends aren’t half as excited about this meeting as you are. And there’s also a real chance that one or both parties won’t want to be set up. It can also be an awkward, uncomfortable and difficult conversation to have. But you can certainly try. After all, you can never predict what will happen. We all, at times, surrender to the anarchy of attraction. Chemistry is a funny thing. As a matchmaker-in-training, you have to let it play out. You can’t just play cupid and will two people together. It’s up to them, not you.

At the end of the day, dating, finding a connection, is a roll of the dice. It’s a chance at love, or a chance at rejection and hurt. It’s giggles and burping butterflies. Or it’s not. But the storm and stress, the risk and reward, is almost always worth it.  I mean, we’re talking about the meaning of life here. And how do we know whom you can happily grow fat, old and ugly with. So what? You once sucked face for two hours at that cute Italian bistro on the corner. Who cares if you once might have giggled on the kitchen floor with him because you couldn’t make it to the bedroom. That’s in the past. Let’s cut to the chase. Just because he wasn’t right for you, doesn’t mean he’s not right for your friend. Don’t be afraid to find out. It’s a crazy world out there. People connect for all different reasons. Bottom line is that we never know.  And at the end of the day, finding someone great is unexpected, unpredictable and truly game changing.  It’s both a rarity and a blessing.

Much like when you get that long skinny Tetris piece that clears three rows at once.

Has this every happened to you? Have you ever met someone, realized they weren’t for you, and wanted to set them up with your friend? What did you do?

Today, I have reached a significant milestone: My twenty-fifth birthday.  I have been alive for a full quarter-century.  I am officially in my mid-twenties. I am five years away from being thirty.

At twenty-five, most of us are busy fostering and developing our careers. This is especially true in New York City. And New York City is not for everyone. It’s fast-paced and expensive and the street food really stinks. But if you’re a young and single twenty-something like me, there’s no better place on earth. And as a twenty-something that was recently laid off, there’s REALLY no better place on earth. But I’ll get to that a bit later.

Here’s the truth. Everyone in New York is busy and moving all the time. We are constantly on the search for the perfect all-you-can-drink-brunch spot, attempting to meet critical deadlines at work and attending to massive amounts of GTL (gym, tan, laundry). Despite it all, we somehow, inexplicably, try to find the time to date. And every now and then, we come across someone spectacular. But even after successful dates, we’re sometimes too busy to make the next move.

I get it. I’ve been there. I, too, WAS a busy professional myself. Sometimes, I was so wrapped up in work that by the time I got home during the week, I was so dead tired that I didn’t want to call anyone. I wanted to sit on my couch, catch up on the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother (hopefully this one would be THE one where I finally meet Ted’s wife) and order in a spicy crunchy tuna roll with miso soup.

But, here’s the thing. As I mentioned before, I was recently laid off. And the one AMAZING thing I discovered about getting laid off? Getting laid off means you have more time to get laid. (Happy freakin birthday to me! Thanks, HR.) I mean, I might not have health insurance for too much longer. Thus, I should try to avoid any drinking-related injuries until I’m gainfully employed again. (Yes, I had a mishap with a beer bottle recently that ended with a trip to the ER.) I might not be getting a paycheck for much longer once my severance checks run out. And sure, I’m now required to save small water bottles, fill them with cheap vodka, and discretely consume them while out on the town. But, hey! At least I have more time to date!

Think about it.  What better time to focus on finding love than when you’re unemployed? After all, money can’t buy you love AND dating takes a lot of time. And unemployment allows for more time to date, sending flirty texts and obsessing over Facebook pictures.  Yes, there are many ways in which getting laid off improves your dating life. Here are some of the reasons for love in the time of layoff.

Replace The Daily Grind With Just Grinding

Trying out that new recipe for sausage lasagna is really just code for doing it on top of the kitchen table. Discussing ways to keep you busy leads to you actually gettin’ busy. And here’s why. Most busy professionals don’t have time to indulge the sexual impulses pulsing through their brains each day like dust mites.  We may think about humpin’ and bumpin’ but we don’t really have the time. Once you trade in your dry-cleaned, button-down work shirt for a set of plaid pajamas, the dust clears. In a nutshell, unemployed people do it better—or at least they want to do it more. Layoffs send libidos straight up. And you FINALLY have time to do something about it. So go do IT. 

Primp Yourself Out A Bit

Chances are he isn’t going to notice how perfectly your shoes go with your outfit, or how expertly applied your makeup is on your face. Regardless, we (women especially) like to feel fresh and clean for a date. Unemployed? The days of quickly and awkwardly applying makeup in the office bathroom and hoping no one walks in mid eye-liner are over. Gasp!  Take a bath before your date. Heck, light some candles if you want. Rock a sexy, date-worthy outfit and put on your game face. I know some of you men out there get off on that sexy librarian look, but I’d bet any of you would take a blow-out and a bit of cleavage over a theory suit and a bun any day of the week.

Take Advantage Of Your Flexibility

Get your minds out of the gutter! No, I don’t mean in the bedroom. I’m referring to your actual daily routine. Most people fall quickly into daily routines. Day in and day out we go through the same motions, visit the same places, and see the same familiar faces. But when unemployed, we have an opportunity to mix things up a bit. Take different routes when you go places. Stop for coffee at various cafes. Go grab lunch with a friend. When you have a chance to hang out a bit, you will get to know new people. By taking advantage of the opportunity to increase your exposure, you will meet people you would not have met otherwise.

Get To Work On Working Out

You might be unemployed but you can look good doing it! When you don’t have a grueling 9-5 job, there is NO excuse for not exercising. Hit the gym every day! You can finally go to those spinning classes, too. Go join forces with the MILF’s and bankers that work it out during the day. (Those are really the only people at the gym during the day other than the jobless.) I mean, talk about an opportunity to find a part-time babysitting gig or to meet someone! Score yourself a little cash on the side while you try to score! I know, most of us don’t exactly look good after mile 3, but then again, who does? Don’t sweat it.

Get Hooked Up With Different Friends (And Maybe Hook Up, Too)

Learn how the other half live. Not the rich but those that work from home or are in school.  Here’s the deal. When we’re required to be at a desk all day, we meet friends for lunch that work proximate to our office. That’s the extent of our social life during the daylight hours. But, when unemployed, we have a whole new set of friends to hang out with. Take advantage of the chance to spend time with the people that also have flexible schedules. Reconnect with an ex hook from college that works from home. Sure, go meet him on the UWS! After all, you don’t have to rush home, throw on a suit, and underwrite a hotel at 9 AM.

Here’s the thing. I think being in your mid-twenties is something that no one prepares you for. Getting laid off is also something that no one prepares you for. For me, throughout the weeks leading up to my birthday (and my unexpected layoff), I started to analyze every aspect of my life. Why am I single? Where is my career headed? Do people even read my articles? When will I get married? My parents were married by now and had already had TWO kids by the time they were twenty-five! Crap. I can’t believe I’m twenty-five. I can’t believe I’m twenty-five AND single. I can’t believe I’m twenty-five AND unemployed!

Bottom line? I think twenty-five in general is an interesting age.  Most men are still emotionally twenty and focused on drinking and incapable of monogamy. Most women are still catty and manipulative and ready for relationships. A real divide exists between the people that still act like they’re in college and the people that live like they’re in their thirties. We spend our early twenties trying to carefully sort it out and figure out who our REAL friends are, where we want our career to go, and what type of relationship we’re looking for.

We choose between growing up, throwing up, and just hooking up.   Some friends choose monogamy over shots of patron. Others don’t. The truth is that we’re really all in different places. Some are single. Others wish they were. Some are employed. Some would take severance any day. Some are in grad school. Some haven’t done anything since graduation. Yeah, we might all be in different places but that doesn’t matter. We all have to run our own race. We can’t compare ourselves to others. And personally, I’ve made a few decisions. From here forward, I’m going to take stock of my life, take advantage of this opportunity to refocus, and move forward.

It’s time to look ahead. I’m going to apply my valued skills in the workplace (goal-setting, organization, efficiency) towards my personal life and figuring out my next move. And I’m going to throw my arms (not legs) wide open to anything that comes my way. Because that’s what you have to do in order to achieve an orgasmic life. We can focus on the positives or the negatives in each and every situation, but either way, life will happen. At the end of the day, some stuff will work out and other stuff simply won’t. That’s just life, regardless of age. We take things as they come, maintain a positive attitude and try not to worry about the things we can’t control. We learn from our experiences, we go at our own pace, and we make better decisions the second time around. Things don’t always work out. Things don’t always happen according to plan or when we expect them to or when we would like them to. We just have to try our best, keep going up to bat, and know that we’ll have good times and bad times. And when those bad times arrive, our expectations aren’t met, and shit hits the fan, which inevitably some of it will, I hope I’ll just be able to shrug my shoulders, look myself in the mirror and say “well, there’s always twenty-six.”

He was tall, dark and handsome. Not to mention Jewish. I was really rather fond of this guy.Truth be told, I kind of liked him.  But then he mentioned that he lives on the Upper East Side. Immediately, the flags shot up – red, purple, blue, orange. The only time I go to the Upper East Side is to visit my family on the Jewish holidays. And, sure. The Upper East Side isn’t a deal breaker, but it’s certainly not geographically desirable given I live in Tribeca.

Here’s the thing. This thing called love is as common downtown as it is uptown. Yeah, it’s pretty much the same old annoying disturbance  and tenuous affair everywhere. We openly worry and focus on height, religion, and intelligence. But an important aspect of dating we also focus on is the distance that can exist between two people. I’m not talking about the emotional, psychological or cultural distance. I’m talking about the actual geographic distance. The city blocks that may separate two lovers.

Should a potential mates proximity to your subway stop matter? Should you only date someone that uses the same equinox gym?

This issue of location is integral and imperative to any relationship meant to evolve beyond email, text messaging and gchat. And especially in New York City, where people are busy juggling careers and dating, people inevitably are deemed either geographically desirable or undesirable depending on their cross streets.

Yes.  I would prefer to date someone within walking distance. Or under a $5 cab ride. Absolutely. That’s a given. Trust me. If iPhone would just create an app to inform me which men at the bar live in my neighborhood with a quick point and click, I’d be more than willing to jump the blackberry ship and become a full-fledged addicted Mac user. But since that hasn’t happened, I sometimes do meet geographically undesirable men. And I do, truth be told, get a little less excited. Ha! Is that wrong? Admit it, you know what I mean.

Maybe there are some positives to a bit of geographic distance. Afterall, the thought of dating someone who lives in the same building or neighborhood should be daunting. Because if the relationship ends badly, that will be the end of privacy. And we all know there is no town smaller, or more gossip-ridden, than a New York City high-rise.  Then again, dating someone nearby just makes life easier. Being able to run home after a sleepover and change before work is awesome. Sure, with the right person, we’d settle on packing an overnight bag. Regardless, most would prefer not to have to. And many New Yorkers, whether they’ll admit it or not, give guys more of a chance when they live nearby, in close proximity, or a quick cab ride away.

Bottom line? We never know how, where, or when we will meet “the one”. You might meet him while vacationing in London. Then again, you could meet him when you’re smack in the middle of a busy time at work. And you could meet the right guy while partying for St. Patty’s Day in Hoboken (this weekend for those of you interested). And I certainly wouldn’t pass up someone fantastic because he lives on a different subway line.

I’ll admit it. It was easier to date someone that lived across the street from me than across town. (Yes, I’ve done both.) But at the end of the day, geography is just one ingredient in this stew we call dating. And with the right person. Heck, I don’t know. I guess maybe the Upper East Side wouldn’t be so bad. And hey, at least it’s almost passover!