nycandlove blog

I’m not exactly sure how many dedicated hours I’ve devoted to playing the ultimate puzzle game Tetris. Whether it was on the original Nintendo version or one of the original Game Boys, it was a significant and memorable amount of time. And if you’re anything like me, you probably played enough to start seeing the different pieces falling in your head when you closed your eyes and tried to fall asleep at night. Yeah, dating, when you really think about it, is really no different.

Dating, often, can feel like a game of Tetris. It’s just like you remember it, only slightly different. It’s a puzzle, with various elements and random sequences of events. And we constantly try to solve it. We search, tirelessly, for the missing piece to fill our oddly shaped holes. We don’t exactly know who will fill the gaps.  We don’t even know what will make us feel complete. And we certainly don’t know what’s coming next. But we continue to reset. We keep starting over. And sometimes, unexpectedly, we get what we need and it knocks out everything all at once. And when we close our eyes at night, we see all the pieces start to fit together. And when that happens, it almost always takes us by surprise. It clears everything we once knew. It completes the row. And it ultimately, completes us.

Other times, the game plays out differently. Things just don’t seem to fit. But just because it’s not a good fit, doesn’t mean it’s not a good fit for someone else. And sometimes, we actually know someone fitting. But we don’t always know what our next move should be.

Have you ever gone on a date, realized he wasn’t for you, but might be great for your friend? How do you handle this situation? What should you do?

Here’s the deal. If there’s a former guy you once shared a sushi combo roll with and he might be great for your sashimi-loving friend… set them up.  If you have an inkling of suspicion that they could be a match made in sloppy seconds heaven…. you should act. Heck, this isn’t exactly a rule. It’s just a very real and strong suggestion. Because when it comes to dating, rules tend to go out the window. Love is a battlefield (thanks, Pat Benatar). It’s a torrid tornado of tears and laughter. A stampede of cart-wheeling, hand-standing, somersaulting unpredictable movements. You can’t control, tame, or confine it. You can’t prepare, predict or streamline it. You never know what will be the piece to complete the row.  So you wipe your sweaty palms on your pants and you make your move. Yeah, here’s how you do it.

You Must Reset

You need to reset his expectations. Before you even attempt to set this former-fling up, you need to make sure the guy isn’t seriously into you. Maybe wait a few weeks after your last date with him, and start up a friendship of sorts. Tell him you think he’s great but obviously not great for you. Only after you clarify your intentions can you then suggest that he might really like your friend. And even then, you need to feel it out and make sure he’s interested in meeting someone else.

Offer Different Combos

You can invite them both out to a group activity and see if there are any sparks. If so, make a comment about how cool it is that they have so much in common and bow out. You can offer him her number and suggest he take her out on his own. Give them both choices. But either way, the choice should be theirs.  Caution. Don’t push it. If one or both parties aren’t interesting, leave it be.

Play It Smart

You must act super chill. Think bunny rabbit on Xanex. Don’t launch a nation-wide campaign with the tagline “I have the perfect person for you.” Because that won’t be a selling point. Scale back your approach and say you have someone your friend might find interesting. Take it slow and remain cool and collected. If they are “perfect” for each other, they will hit it off whether you tell them you think they are perfect for each other or not.

Don’t Share Your Moves

Sure, you’ve been out with him before. And you might know the “diarrhea on the roller-coaster story.” But keep it to yourself. Don’t succumb to the disease otherwise known as diarrhea of the mouth. Unless, that is, you want to embarrass the heck out of him…which I suppose has an entertainment value all its own. Basically, let them find things out on their own.

Be A Good Sport

When you set up two people on a date, you kind of feel like Patty Stanger (the brutally honest Jewish honcho from Millionaire Matchmaker). Except that there’s no private jets or payments in full. Regardless, you feel like you are creating something. And you have visions of being showered with thanks at their wedding. But avoid getting too excited. Mind your own business and know that it might not work out. Do your part then bow out gracefully.

Here’s the thing. We’ve all been set up on disastrous dates. So there’s a real chance that your friends aren’t half as excited about this meeting as you are. And there’s also a real chance that one or both parties won’t want to be set up. It can also be an awkward, uncomfortable and difficult conversation to have. But you can certainly try. After all, you can never predict what will happen. We all, at times, surrender to the anarchy of attraction. Chemistry is a funny thing. As a matchmaker-in-training, you have to let it play out. You can’t just play cupid and will two people together. It’s up to them, not you.

At the end of the day, dating, finding a connection, is a roll of the dice. It’s a chance at love, or a chance at rejection and hurt. It’s giggles and burping butterflies. Or it’s not. But the storm and stress, the risk and reward, is almost always worth it.  I mean, we’re talking about the meaning of life here. And how do we know whom you can happily grow fat, old and ugly with. So what? You once sucked face for two hours at that cute Italian bistro on the corner. Who cares if you once might have giggled on the kitchen floor with him because you couldn’t make it to the bedroom. That’s in the past. Let’s cut to the chase. Just because he wasn’t right for you, doesn’t mean he’s not right for your friend. Don’t be afraid to find out. It’s a crazy world out there. People connect for all different reasons. Bottom line is that we never know.  And at the end of the day, finding someone great is unexpected, unpredictable and truly game changing.  It’s both a rarity and a blessing.

Much like when you get that long skinny Tetris piece that clears three rows at once.

Has this every happened to you? Have you ever met someone, realized they weren’t for you, and wanted to set them up with your friend? What did you do?