Sometimes the person you’re seeing is the only one you’re seeing. Sometimes that person is one of two, three or even more. And hey, as long as no relationship talks or discussions of exclusivity took place, you can do whatever you want. But what happens when you’re having fun with a few different people and later find out one of them thought you were loyal to him?
This has happened to me twice.
One
The first time was on a summer night in 2006, Adam asked me if I wanted to do something with him that night. But I was busy. Alexander, someone I’d been seeing on and off while he was away at law school, was back in the city to study for the bar exam and I had plans to go to his apartment. I was really excited to see him, since the attraction was strong and we always had a lot of fun together. And I hadn’t seen him in over a month.
I told Adam I had plans. “Okay, well maybe we can hang out after,” he said.
“I can’t tonight,” I said. “I have plans with my friend Alexander.”
“Right,” Adam said. “You have plans in the city tonight. So when that’s over do you want to do something?”
“I can’t see you tonight,” I said more firmly. “I already have plans and won’t be around tonight.”
Finally, it clicked.
“Are you . . . hooking up with this guy?” Well, yes. It was then that Adam revealed he thought we were officially together. Uhh I had no idea. I didn’t do anything that would make him think we were boyfriend/girlfriend. In fact, I was blatantly mean to him. Constantly verbally abusive.
I brought that little fact up and he said he thought my nasty remarks were all in good fun, part of what makes us “us.” I always thought he was stupid (hence why I was so mean to him) but now I realized he had no idea I was beyond awful to him for months. Maybe he wasn’t stupid so much as just a really nice guy who saw the world in a very different way that I did.
Regardless, that was the night we ended.
Two
The other time this happened was months later, coincidentally with Alexander, the guy I “left Adam for.” We had just ended our year long fling and were attempting the age old “let’s have platonic sleepovers” situation. What? Just me? Oh.
So one morning we were platonically cuddling in bed when he brought up how invested I was with him when we were dating. (Note – Until he said that, I had no idea we were ever “dating”). I laughed and said, “Well I was hooking up with other people during that time, so it wasn’t such a big deal actually.” He didn’t believe me. Alex was certain that I was practically in love with him; loyal and devoted. No matter how much I tried to tell him I really wasn’t, he stood firm in his disbelief. Alexander was being so condescending to me, trying to make me feel so small for being some deluded girl who spent a year giving her all to a guy who wasn’t interested in anything serious. He laughed and told me he did not believe me when I told him he wasn’t the only guy during this time.
So I dropped a bombshell.
“Remember the night you went down on me for the first time?” Of course he did; he’s not deaf. “Well, I came right to your apartment from having sex with another guy.”
Boom.
Needless to say Alexander was both disgusted and offended, in addition to shocked. I didn’t feel so bad for my confession, since he was being cocky and I needed him to understand where I was coming from – and that the world did not, in fact, revolve around him as he was led to believe. Inevitably, the “how many people have you slept with” discussion began and he was even more shocked by this, as he had assumed many lovely things about my innocence which turned out not to be true at all. Of course, he never asked me, and he was so sure that anything he believed to be true simply was that he couldn’t imagine anything different.
Now that I’m older and looking for the real thing, I don’t plan to hook up with more than one person at a time anymore. But I always smile when I think about both of those conversations with Adam and Alexander. It represents a really fun time in my life; a much more carefree time. And it makes me feel pretty hardcore. And really, both stories are really funny. To me, at least. I’m sure Alexander would tell you otherwise.
Have you ever had to reveal to your hookup that he or she is not the only one? Or, were you ever shocked to find out YOU weren’t the only one?