When I walk from work to the subway, I’m talking to him about the important things I accomplished throughout the day. While I train for the NYC Half Marathon, he’s running right alongside me as I charm him with my insightful nature and wit. And yesterday before work, I taught him how to make coffee with a French Press.
Right now, “he” is someone I will refer to as the Hamburglar (see: Good Good Good Good Vibrations). But really, “he” is whoever my crush is at the time. Our conversations? All in my head. In fact, the reason I haven’t been able to move on from the Hamburglar yet is because of these amazing (fake) conversations we have all the time.
“My grandmother lives in that building,” I told the Hamburglar last night on our 5 mile run around the Upper East Side. “Your grandmother?” he replied. “You never told me your grandma lives 2 blocks from you.” And so this is how it came to be that I explained my family situation to him. He was really touched that I opened up to him about something so personal.
Except that it never happened.
I actually ended the 3 year on and off thing between the Hamburglar and me last week, but apparently I didn’t break up with him in my head yet as evidenced by earlier today when I got back to my desk after my job interview and faux told him all about how the hiring manager reminds me of my old boss who I loved.
The thing is, just because the Hamburglar currently consumes my thoughts – and has for the better part of 3 years – doesn’t mean he can’t be easily replaced. In fact, I know that once I meet a new crush I will have a brand new imaginary person around. And it is this new person with whom I will discuss the evils of factory farming, in my mind
But is that healthy? Jumping from one conversation with someone who isn’t there to the next? I remember realizing back in high school that I always needed to have a crush at all times. And so I engaged in tons of fictional dialogue with lots of boys, from my good friend Dave in high school (had no one else, so why not choose my friend) to Joe on my floor in college (loved seeing other girls go into his room) to Michael not long after college. Without a crush, who would I pretend to talk to?
I’ve never discussed this with anyone before. I don’t know if my thoughts are normal, or if other people do this too. I don’t know if pretending to talk to someone all the time, during both the exciting and mundane parts of my day is common or unusual. What I do know is that I need a break. I feel like that Dave Matthews song where he sang “My head won’t leave my head alone.” I need my head to leave my head the f*ck alone. And maybe then I can meet a guy who I can, in real life with him actually beside me, teach how to make coffee with a French Press.
So, am I crazy or normal? Do you have fake conversations with people you like in your head?