nycandlove blog

When I like you it’s pretty freakin obvious. I call you. I email you. I bbm you. I talk to you all day at work on gchat (don’t tell my boss). I send you funny emails that I think you might like. I let you know what I’m up to. I want to know what you’re up to. I’m very affectionate. I care about you, your feelings and what gets you going. I bring you matzo ball soup when you’re sick. I pick up all your favorites at Whole Foods and make you dinner. I plan a surprise party with your favorite cake for your birthday. I’m all up in you.

If I don’t like you anymore? Things change, but how do I let you know? What sort of break up is required? Now I’m not referring to long term serious we have pictures framed next to our beds of each other and went with the family to Vail over X-mas relationships. Goodness no. I won’t tackle that subject. I’m talking about the in between ones.

Attention all hopeless social serial daters that aren’t (really) in relationships, but arrangements or “situations” let’s call them – scenarios, not the guido from the TV series Jersey Shore. When is it necessary to actually, you know, break up, versus hit ignore on your blackberry? Do you really need to break up with someone who isn’t your boyfriend or girlfriend when you’re no longer interested? Here goes a quick lesson on breakup etiquette. Let’s be honest, this is the stuff you might really have to know someday!

Scenario 1: The One Night Stand That Keeps Giving

The One Night Stand That Keeps Giving is essentially a f*ck buddy. Here’s how it typically goes down (Pun intended). You meet up at your apartment, all clothes come off, and you pray your condoms haven’t expired. Afterwards you pretend to be asleep, hoping they’ll leave quickly for the time-honored tradition of the stride of pride. You don’t remember their hometown or how exactly they earn a living, but you do recall that they can do it in a handstand position. You call each other when either person is horny, lonely and/or bored.

Is it time to call it quits? You can get rid of them faster than you can keep adding drinks to your tab. Since there is no real level of commitment, this breakup does not require much. Stop tipsy texting them (drunk dialing’s lil’ sis) and stop responding to their requests to meet up for late night slices at Artichoke Pizza. That should do the trick.

Scenario 2: The Textationship

The Textationship is based on BBM or SMS. You avoid online or call-based interaction. You exchange insanely witty, sexual remarks every few days (via text, bbm or email), meet up randomly on the weekends at 3 am and chow down on pastrami on rye at Katz’s Deli (OK, maybe that’s just me).

Had enough deli meat? Slowly withdrawl and retreat. Don’t just completely and immediately ignore them hoping they will notice and go away. Stop contacting them as frequently, claim to be really busy (work is always a legit excuse) and they will eventually get it.

Scenario 3: Someone I’m Seeing

The Someone I’m Seeing relationship is just that. Friends ask about him/her and that’s how you respond. You talk during the day but you don’t wake up and bbm them good morning or say goodnight before you go to bed. You don’t have things at each other’s apartments but it’s acceptable to pack an overnight bag if you know you’re spending the night at his place. This is a cool and comfortable but uncertain stage. You haven’t had the “where is this going” conversation but you’re both treading water until or if your arms get tired.

Arms tired? You should have “the conversation”. Truth is, you’re probably both getting some somewhere else, so it won’t be such a devastating blow. Keep the conversation short and sweet. Give it to them straight up. You need to be clear and honest and not creep around the issue.

Scenario 4: The Not Exactly Casual Anymore

The Not Exactly Casual Anymore relationship is the sh*t or get off the pot scenario. You have spent months claiming and explaining that you’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. Yet, despite these claims and your claiming you’re not really into PDA, you two can be found many weekend nights having a full-on-hands-up-the-shirt-makeout-sesh at Greenhouse while some film student records you for his new Youtube sensation! This stage has the makings of a serious relationship.

If you’ve decided you want out and want to return to full on single status, you need to have a conversation. No, they’re not fun. But it’s the right thing to do here. Even though you’re not official or necessarily exclusive, the window of being able to press the ignore button has closed. Be mature, have the conversation and move on. Offer some closure and peace of mind.

Here’s the freezing, cold, hard truth. Breaking up is hard to do. Even if the relationship wasn’t serious, one of you is bound to end up upset. While there isn’t really a single “right” way to end it and move on, there are general etiquette rules to follow. It’s almost always appreciated if you actually let them know, no BS, that you’re no longer interested. Why? Because bottom line? Even if the relationship meant little to you, remember that they might feel completely different about it. You respected them enough to date them (or to sleep with them at the very least). Respect them enough to man up and end it with dignity. Even when it wasn’t a serious relationship, you should still be considerate. Plus, many people (women especially) cling onto hope when you don’t give them a clear answer. Some people really need a direct decision.

Some people just don’t understand the difference between a red light and green light. They need those bright and flashing signs so it’s undeniable: this kid is over it. They’ve got the ick. The fat lady has sung. This ship has sailed. Done. Dunzo. See ya never. Boom boom pow! Yeah, the world of flirting/dating/hooking up in dark corners is already confusing enough, but I hope this at least helps provide a bit of clarity. And the next time you need to end a casual dating relationship, hopefully you’ll do it right and throw some breakup etiquette into the mix!

Alright, so I know most, if not all, of you have been in a similar situation. How did you handle the “break-up” situation? When do you think it’s necessary to actually have a conversation? Do you think it depends more on how long you were dating or the frequency with which you saw each other?