The other day, I ended a 3 year on and off hookup thing with a guy. I’ll call him the Hamburglar. I’ve been pretty much obsessed with the Hamburglar for the entire 3 years I’ve known him. He is adorable; he is brilliant; he is a (Jewish) doctor; he is hilarious. But most of all, I am just so insanely attracted to him it is really just beyond words. I need him. I crave him. I love him. And he smells so, so good. So good. Swoon.
I realize that what I have referred to as my “love” for the Hamburglar is more likely my unadulterated attraction to him. But when you are this attracted to someone, it is really hard to tell the difference. And when I finally ended it with him, it wasn’t so much his company that I knew I would miss as it was being able to have sex with him.
*The reason I ended it, I need to add, is because I wanted more from him. Even if it was just intense attraction, in my mind it was like love and it was unhealthy for me since he has no interest in dating me.
The day after ending it (and having sex with him twice) I was at work talking on instant messenger with my girlfriend Shauna. I was having doubts about ending it with the Hamburglar. Shauna had made me erase his number from my phone, and I became apprehensive.
“OK… but, what if one night I really, really just need to have sex with him? Shouldn’t I keep his number in case? I have no one else I am this attracted to.”
Shauna’s response? “Dildo.”
I dismissed her suggestion, citing the fact that it is just NOT the same. Shauna didn’t argue that point, but she also didn’t agree. Instead, she just offered to rub her dildos down with rubbing alcohol for my use.
I began to wonder if I am the only girl who does not care about vibrators.
My issues with the vibrator are threefold:
- I’m lazy. The thought of getting up out of bed, walking to a drawer, opening it and finding a vibrator is just too much to bear. And then after all that effort, I’d have to go through the work of actually using one? I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it. Too much effort; too much work. Not worth it.
- Dishes. Are you f*cking kidding me? After I use the vibrator, I then have to go to the sink and wash it. Do you all realize what the vibrator becomes? DISHES! I stopped eating dinner because I can’t be bothered to do the dishes that are toppling over my sink, do you really think I’d suddenly do dishes for a minor orgasm? Which brings me to point 3 . . .
- IT IS NOT THE SAME. Using a vibrator feels nothing like sex! Nothing at all! I don’t actually see how the two can even be compared. As I mentioned in point number 2, using a vibrator might result in a minor orgasm at best. And with my related issues of laziness and dishes, using one feels like a big chore. So why bother?
I don’t know; maybe it’s just me. I actually own two vibrators. One is a big red dildo with a special clit stimulating addition. The other is a more typical vibrator, white, about 6 inches, shaped like a fat plastic pencil, in a box labeled “personal massage.”
They’re both pointless. If my apartment had a fire and everything was destroyed, I wouldn’t bother replacing them. I didn’t purchase either for myself. A friend bought me the dildo when the news came out in 2005 that I didn’t own one, and the personal massager was a party favor at the strangest New Years Ever party I’ve ever been to, in 2007.
Now that I’ve publicly dismissed vibrators, and I also ended things with the Hamburglar, and I now realize that my lack of interest in sex in 2009 was not because something was wrong with me as I had thought but rather because my ex boyfriend stripped me of any feeling whatsoever, I want to have sex! With a living person. Who I am attracted to and actually want to have sex with. Not with a piece of plastic and/or rubber.
So I leave you with this question, because I am truly curious if my dislike of vibrators is my own personal issue or one other girls share.
Ladies, what are your thoughts on vibrators? Do you love them? Can’t be bothered like me? A mix?
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[...] now, “he” is someone I will refer to as the Hamburglar (see: Good Good Good Good Vibrations). But really, “he” is whoever my crush is at the time. Our conversations? All in my head. In [...]
[...] the Hamburglar? I was so strong and ended it. Ummm not so [...]
[...] I just knew. Mike was done. Call it d’s intuition. I felt a different vibe in the air. No, not that kind of [...]
4 Comments
Absolutely hilarious! Appreciate the open honesty, as many women don’t even admit to using vibrators! I think this article will definitely strike a chord with many women of all different ages. Thanks for sharing!!
I prefer the vibrator in the mix with the real thing some times; from a man’s point of view. The power of combining the two pleasures can be a nice addition to the bedroom. Also, who says you need to clean the “dishes” right away? A women that I dated would handle that when she had some free time
I’d say work on it as a value add with the real thing. If it’s not for you, then that’s okay too. Nothing is meant for everyone.
Thanks for the article! It was a fun read.
Haha! I am loving this blog, just added you to my blogroll. Can’t wait to read more!
i love vibrators, i have several, different sizes, colors, shapes, everything. if you have a good imagination, they can certainly help replace a man, but are even more fun to use with one.