We’ve all dated our share of jerks. But what about when you meet someone seemingly perfect? He’s not just your average amount of smart; he’s in a league with MC squared himself. He’s not just sort of good looking. In fact, every time you introduce him to someone or flash his Facebook profile picture, an aggressive high-five usually follows. He does everything right. Heck, he even got a BlackBerry because you told him you preferred bbming to texting. He’ll give you the remote when the game is on and watch Gossip Girl marathons with you in bed. For reasons you can’t fathom, he truly loves doing the dishes, waits while you shop and replaces the toilet paper roll when it’s empty. Oh, and he’s crazy about you. Like, Tila Tequila crazy.
You should be ecstatic, singing the hava-nagila, popping champagne bottles left and right. Here’s prince charming marching up on his white horse with your favorite flowers and Baked by Melissa cupcakes! But you’re not. Because as perfect as he is, he just doesn’t do it for you. He doesn’t make your heart skip a beat every time he bbm’s you. He doesn’t inspire you to sneak out of work for a quick afternoon kiss. He doesn’t make you want to rip your clothes off. And you don’t know why, but you’re just not that pumped about him. The butterflies just aren’t fluttering.
Why is it that sometimes, even when you find the “perfect” guy, you just don’t like him like that?
You think there must be something wrong with you because how else can you explain why you would pass up on something so great. Maybe you’re just messed up from past relationships? Maybe it’s just bad timing? Could you have made it work, somehow, in some way? Many questions run through your confused mind.
Here’s the thing. You have run into a perfect man, just not YOUR perfect man. So don’t assume you have some earth-shattering flaw just because you don’t like him. You can’t control your reaction to people. You can’t force things to feel in sync simply because he’s charming, successful, cute, and … likes you. Sometimes it’s just not there. You can’t force Mr. Right to be a good fit for you simply because he has all the “right” wrappings and fixings. You also can’t try to convince yourself that Mr. Wrong can be transformed, put in a pretty package with a bow, and turned into someone who is a good fit for you.
There really is no need to over think this. Attraction is mysterious, and, like we all learned in science class, there’s always a chemical component. If you’ve spent some time with him over a month and feel nothing, he’s not for you. And if you’re not interested, leave him alone. Stop wasting his time. I’ve gone out with many perfectly awesome guys. Some of them, for reasons I can’t comprehend, just didn’t make me want to jump their bones. My brain was telling me I should want to get jiggy with him, because hello, he’s perfect, but I just didn’t want to. At the end of the day, you CAN fake some stuff (ladies, you know what I mean) but you really can’t and shouldn’t force it.
I guess in the end, despite all the dating articles we read, the love advice our parents try to force upon us, and the “but I know this one girl” stories we’re told, we’ll know it when it happens. And it really is a matter of when, and not if. Because you’ll just know when it happens. Love, at its very best, should tear through your world like a hurricane, shifting and reorganizing things you long-thought were impossible to move or shake. You’ll get that uncontrollable, swept-up, carried-away, falling-too-fast, don’t-want-it-to-end feeling. The sky will turn that perfect shade of blue, the grass will look greener and the sun will shine brighter. You’ll want to touch him, kiss him, think about him and you won’t be able to stop yourself from jumping his bones!
And if you don’t have all that, then who cares if he’s what you always thought of as your perfect guy. Sometimes the thing you didn’t expect is the one thing you really wanted after all. And when you find the guy for you, he’ll be perfect in his own ways, other ways. You won’t care if you met him online and it won’t bother you that his feet smell like crap every now and then. You might not mind that his idea of fine cuisine includes a bucket and a deep fryer. That stuff will become unimportant and meaningless.
When you find someone you really care about, it’s important to let go of the little things because love, chemistry add passion are difficult to find and dont come around too often. The best we can do is to never stop searching, open ourselves up to the unexpected, and stand behind the decisions that we make. Because whoever he is, whenever you find him, you should just be so freakin happy that you found him.
What’s your take on it? Have you ever met the “perfect” guy or girl but you just weren’t interested? Did you keep dating them in hope that things would change? Did they? I want to hear from you! Share your stories!
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11 Comments
SO true. I’m actually reading a really good book about this right now called Meeting Your Half Orange. It’s kinda cheesy at times but one of the general messages is that you deserve the person who will make you feel the way you should and that person WILL come.
The problem is timing, they always come when you least expect it and when you’re actively NOT looking for someone!
The title of this article says it all. I have met a few perfect matches but there was NO spark. Love, or at the very least chemistry, is one of the great mysteries of life. When you are lucky enough to feel that uncontrollable urge to cheetah-pounce on someone you’re looking at like a wounded gazelle, you should never hesitate. Life’s short, enjoy the moment. You should never have to force passion…it doesn’t work.
Thanks for your comments! I completely agree… timing is definitely part of it. However, even with good timing, sometimes that spark just isn’t there. You can’t explain it, you can’t even give a reason why, but it’s just not there.
Don’t forget about the guy who was perfect and took you on the best date ever yet for some reason was asexual that night despite your best efforts to seduce him….
Great article..it makes lots of sense. I love your style of writing…. humor mixed with great advice. Finding the right one is never easy. There’s a difference between dating and wanting to marry someone…however, sometimes it takes time and an open mind to know. You’re the Carie Bradshaw of this generation. I’d love to hear you talk on these subjects in person.
Love the article…I can’t imagine the conversations you must have had with your mother growing up. You’re right about finding your perfect person. Your articles say it exactly how it is..you have the pulse of my generation. Thanks for sharing your thoughts..it helps to confirm mine.
JD – Perhaps I’d chalk that one up to bad timing… check out my other article “Right Person, Wrong Time: It’s Not A Joke” -
http://www.womanaroundtown.com/relating-around/right-person-wrong-time-its-not-a-joke/
Thank you so much for writing this article. It has really helped me. I’m a 22 year old college student and I’ve never really had a boyfriend. Now suddenly this perfect guy comes along, I mean smart, gorgeous, a real gentlemen, and he is smitten by me, and yet I don’t feel anything. We’ve been dating for a month and if I never see him again, I won’t feel even a bit sad. My friends are glad that I’ve “finally snagged a good one” and my mom already wants grandchildren from him. This lead my to thinking that there was something wrong with me. Your article has given me some perspective and the courage to tell him how I really feel. Thank you.
thank you so much this solved my problem i have been with this great guy for 8 months and i tried to make it work but i wasnt head over hills in love with him and this helped so much i really wish it could be him but i don’t think thats going to happen and it sucks because it hurts him not to be with me and i dont like hurting people no matter who it is. but thank you.
This is a well written article and I agree with much of what you say. The thing is, I am really beginning to hate the elusiveness and random nature of chemistry and sparks. I rarely feel the sparks for anybody but when I do, it is usually with the wrong person or wrong timing. I dated 2 guys in the past year that I did not feel instant sparks or attraction for. I think I had some anxiety which impeded my ability to feel all sparky at first but as my worries calmed, things got better. I continued dating them for a bit and the attraction and sparks grew. But then once I realized it, the guy was not interested in me anymore. It was very frustrating for me. I am dating a great guy right now but am not feeling all sparky with him and wonder if I was able to calm down, maybe I will feel something like before. It is also frustrating when you feel instant sparks for someone but they are not interested or not available. Why can’t the sparks happen with the right person/right time? The sparks for me have usually been one-sided, either on my end or on the guy’s, which means that my dating life pretty much sucks!